The Office

My favorite character is Andy... Unfortunatey most of these are way funnier when you actually hear it...

I live to frolf.

Sabateur! Sabateur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game...the game is over, I'm really going to shoot you!

I really Schruted it.

Next up, Jim.

So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

They might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years... and years... and... years.

Do we all have a copy of Threat Level: Midnight by Michael Scott?
I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman Grill.

Dwight Schrute

Dang it, he put my stapler in Jell-O again!

Pam: [during a role-playing exercise] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe..not be a very good driver.Dwight Schrute: [role playing as an Asian] Aw, man! I'm a woman?

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis....Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me, although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one...and that's out under the porch.

A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.

I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

[indicating his purple belt] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.
Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.

Dwight Schrute: ["steering" the ship] Don't worry Michael, I'm taking us to shore!
Michael Scott: It's a fake wheel, dummy!

I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.

As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I've been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out.. she was. With a couple of guys, actually... so. Mystery solved. As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I've been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out.. she was. With a couple of guys, actually... so. Mystery solved.

Oh man! You are so busted! Ice skates... shopping bags... I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all!

Remember on Lost when they meet "the Others"?
BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! [pause] Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation - which everyone finds during the day - how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war – the war of work – but from the moment as a child, when we realize the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle [bangs fists again] a never-ending fight, I say to you [bangs again] and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight. WE ARE WARRIORS! [applause] Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour. [even bigger applause as Dwight gives a horrible sounding laugh] No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers, and door to door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesman – and women – of the world... unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together... TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL. WE MUST NEVER CEDE CONTROL OF THE MOTHERLAND...Audience: ...FOR IT IS TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL!
I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.

And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Will Ryan become a loser, slacker like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?
When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is.. "Something Weird Is Going On...colon...What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story...by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute."


Michael

I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Samford. It's like with fireman, you don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.
I love inside jokes. I'd like to be a part of one some day.
I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here.

He leaves work, he's on his way home. WHAM, his cappa is detated from his head.
If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.
Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Michael Scott: [While eating a pretzel] It tastes so good in my mouth.Stanley: That's what she said. [He and Michael laugh]

Indians do not eat monkey brains! And if they do... sign me up! Because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.

I love the people here, and if there's one thing I don't really care for, its that they can be terribly terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.
It's over. We are screwed. Dunder Mifflin Scranton is being shut down.
My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size.
[To Martin Nash, who is black] Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. Uh, not...
This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.
You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you suck!"
Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for...polluting a black guy's lake.
Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.